The Bear Den

I just need to vent somewhere, and since my co-worker friends are equally stressed and unhappy (and constantly venting), I feel like venting upon them would only make this into a cyclone of negativity. I'd rather not spread it, not within this invironment anyway, as this place is pretty broken already. But I've been trying to hold it in since this morning, and it keeps getting worse, and I need to type it out before I just start crying.

I hate this job.
I'm supposed to feel grateful to have any job in this economy, but it's really not happening for me. I could be worse off, I know, without this job....but there's also the possibility that I could have a job, even two part-time jobs, that make me much happier. And, honestly, if saying I hate my job brings about the Finger of Fate to take the job away from me, I would be okay with that.

I interviewed for this position on a whim. I wanted an events planner position, but I applied to this website content manager position because I figured I might as well take the shotgun approach to finding a job (this was Feb 2008). At the interview, I thought my to-be boss was pretty cool, and my coworkers seemed fun. The job didn't pay as much as I was wanting, but it did offer benefits. And the lower salary was nicely compensated by the ability to telecommute. I was hired with the following promises: a) I would receive enough money in salary raise to bring me to my minimum asking amount, with the acknowledgement that the position I was hired into was underpaid for the responsibilities involved (which, according to the USA Census Bureau, it was and still is); b) I would be allowed to work from home 2-3 days per week, at my discretion and without prior manager permission, given that I notify my manager and coworkers on days that I stayed home, and completed my projects in a timely and satisfactory manner; c) I would be working for one boss, C, in a small group (3 other coworkers) with a very clearly delineated heirarchy.

The work was often repetitive and boring, but sometimes creative and fun. I loved my boss, even when others had issues with her. I loved my coworkers (and still do) and enjoyed working with them. I was happy, even when I was underchallenged.

In January, I came back to the office after Christmas vacation and was informed that I was being transferred to a different department because "it makes more sense" (I was being transferred from A&F computing, to IT department, because I am the content manager for the A&F intranet websites). I was NOT happy with this, and met several times with C and my future bosses. It became clear to me that, while C enjoyed having me as an employee, her bosses/more aggressive colleagues were essentially forcing this (IT 'stole' another of her employees one month after they stole me, and may still be actively working to undermine her). She tried to put a happy face on it, as did IT, by promising me more money (because IT is a bigger department with a bigger budget), more possibility for job training/transfers/promotions, and a better work environment.

I tried. I really did. Since Feb 1st of this year I have been trying very hard to be a good employee here, to enjoy what I do, to get along with everyone, and when all that failed, to just keep my head above water.
I am failing. And I am miserable.

This new department is large and disorganized- I have one direct supervisor, who doesn't know how to manage people and swings from trying to be my best friend to trying to micro-manage and babysit me; his boss, who runs this department and is very "New York", and uber-aggressive, and has berated me for not directly involving her in communications to my direct supervisor (but then doesn't CC my supervisor when she emails me her demands and directions; and her boss, who consistently gives other higher-ups false information about what it is that I do, causing more needless work for me and usually making me look like an idiot in the process, who I have been chastised for communicating with (multiple times) but who nonetheless makes demands of me directly as well. I also have C, who manages one project that I am still involved with and so I go to for some info, and the head of A&F, who wants to be directly involved in steering the A&F Intranet and making changes to the sites. In terms of my website duties, there are an additional 5 higher-ups whose opinions and directions I must regularly seek out, as oversight to the A&F Intranet, although generally they are respectful and logical in their communications.

Aside from that, I am isolated. There are other IT people who work here, in other areas and on projects, but no one else does anything like what I do. As a result, I give this impression of being an outsider, and unimportant (my work doesn't relate to the direct running of operations for this college). This is further emphasized by the fact that I am not an IT person. I told C this when she interviewed me, and she assured me that my job would be more technical writing than software stuff. But in IT, this doesn't work out. The bosses can't see my worth, or maybe they're just trying to get more bang for their very few buck- they keep pushing at me to become a software developer for them (on my own time and dime, of course, without incentive of a raise of promotion or anything).

This environment is pretty toxic. Everything is under a constant state of panic and emergency. Bosses stride and rush from place to place, socializing is actively discouraged, emails are always short and clipped and often misinterpreted because they are rushed instead of read. The only praise given at meetings EVER is along the lines of "thanks to so-and-so for helping us out during the crises when such-and-such server went down". Any time I have ever been praised by anyone in this department, it has been on the heels of a demand. But usually, the praise goes to one of my three direct bosses (even when I was the sole person responsible for the idea, implementation, and success of the project). I have gotten compliments and thank yous.....outside of my department, and 99% of the time from other departments in the college or in the hospitals that we work with.

There has been no raise to bring me to the median salary of someone responsible for what I do. C kept pushing at it for me, but her boss is (to put it nicely) a massive tightwad. When I was forcibly transferred, I brought it up again and was assured that it would be no problem, given that I was being transferred to a department with more money. The head of the department even personally assured me that it would be a priority for them.
It wasn't.
She waited until we received the announcement that state funding was cut, and then pulled a "what can I do?".
Technically, yes she still could, but she has already told me that she won't.
In addition, she told me (and the entire department) that we wouldn't be getting raises for the next 3-5 years because of the budget issue.
And then they promoted someone (raise and all) and re-hired a consultant whose contract was going to expire (and who makes a LOT).

And then there's the telecommuting thing. No one has ever complained or raised issue with my telecommuting (which I was disciplined about, and didn't abuse). But now my direct supervisor made us all sign agreements that we will only work from home on one pre-set day of the week. Plus, we were told to notify our boss via email when working from home any time we took a break (like lunch, or 15 minutes of downtime, etc).
I pushed back last week- my pre-set day to work from home was Friday, but given that Friday was a holiday and very few people were in the office from Wednesday onward, and I had finished everything I had to do by Tuesday afternoon, I worked from home on Thursday (coincidentally, my boss was not in that day). Today I got a verbal spanking for it. So I asked him, 'why the sudden crackdown, and only in our department? is someone abusing it? are they changing policy? is there a legal reason?" His response? No reason.
That's right. I'm being punished by having my last remaining freedom and compensation for this job restricted and monitored, for no reason whatsoever.

I hate this job. Every morning I wake up and wonder if I can get away with calling in sick to work. You know what prevents that? Seeing my friendly coworkers. I think "Gods, maybe I could just call in sick today", and then I think "no, I have a meeting with so-and-so, and I need to respect them and show up", or "I talked about getting lunch today with so-and-so, which is always nice, so I better go in".

And in fact, I have been taking 1-2 sick days per month since the transfer happened. Sometimes I do feel sick, but usually it's the kind of sick that results from being stressed out, and my body's desperate need to do anything to keep me away from such a negative environment. When school stressed me out, as a kid, the same thing happened. But it wasn't this bad. This is migraines-every-week-while-I'm-at-work bad.

In an attempt to put a silver lining on it, and to take advantage of the benefits I get through this job, I decided to apply for grad school. There's a masters program that would be awesome to take, and also put me on the right track to having a meaningful career involving the orcas up here. I'm excited about it (except when I'm scared about not getting accepted). As an employee of UW, I can get tuition deferment for up to 6 credits per quarter (so basically, aside from application fees and lab fees, as long as I'm accepted to the program I can take a class per quarter without paying tuition). It's a bit wonky in the fact that I am last on the ladder for entrance, so if every class is full I am S.O.L., but it would save me a lot of money. Unfortunately, I can't apply to the grad school until the end of this year, and wouldn't be attending until Fall 2010. The thought of working here for another full year and then some, even with the hope of attending college and having a more fulfilling career (in 5 years or so, when I graduate) nearly makes me vomit. So I'm a bit stuck- be in serious debt by attending grad school full-time, or stay here and try to weather this while attending grad school. Neither sounds very appealing to me right now. About the best I can hope for is to find a job inside the college, but outside this department (indeed, outside this school of the college would be preferred) that I can apply for and get hired at- something with a less-sucktastic environment that still nets me the tuition deferment benefit.

Unfortunately, with the state budget crisis, there's currently about 5 positions open outside of this school within the college, none of which I am qualified for (or interested in).
I will keep looking, but essentially....I just feel like I'm out of options. I've never dealt well with feeling like my back is against the wall, in anything.

I just needed to get that out. I hate being treated like an incompetent child, a useless tool, a criminal, a slacker, and a condescending bitch. I am none of these things, yet my three IT bosses treat me as if I was. And since I can't seem to summon the ennui to give up caring about doing a good job (whether that's a personal integrity or the subtle constant reminder from my bosses that their disappointment could mean I get fired, I don't know), I'm resigned to writing long LJ rants and crying in the ladies' room.

Current Location:	Hellmouth, aka work
Current Mood:	pessimistic


07:04 pm 7/1/09 1 comment Leave a comment	artemishi Must. See. This. Movie. http://www.firstshowing.net/2009/06/26/must-watch-awesome-blood-sucking-daybreakers-trailer/

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