artemishi

I forgot to mention here that Jesse/Viking is out of the picture. He told me he needed to take time off from talking to everyone and sort out his life. And that was my sign right there: if you're life is that much of a mess, you can't handle a relationship.
And also, you know, then publicly chatted with other folks.
And again with obsessing over the ex-girlfriend and the perfect catch that got away, and venting to me about it every time we were together, like what we had didn't exist at all.

So, you know, fuck that noise.

What's wrong with me, of course, is that I've been seeking a relationship. Always. I trust, and I hope, and I keep acting like the next one is the right one. And the truth is, as much as we'd all like to believe in the Disney dream, that being a good person means good things happen to you, it's chaos. There's no such thing as soulmates, and I don't deserve a good future husband just because I'm a good woman. He's out there (late bastard) or he isn't (which I'm beginning to suspect). The sooner I square myself to the idea of being a dowager, the better. Happiness doesn't lie in the expected roles.

So my plan is to truly enjoy being alone. Go to happy hours by myself and have fun. Travel, to the SJI and maybe even to Ireland, by myself, and have fun. Join things without the safety net of a friend or boyfriend. BE by myself, not just at home, and love it.

Only then will I be free of this damned heartbreak pattern, and boys masquerading as men and worming their way into my heart only to run away. 

It's been a hell of a week.
Not the worst week ever, not by a long shot. But difficult all the same.

Sunday was a gut-punch of rejection.
Monday was head-down at work, and feeling fat and ugly (gained a few pounds, been awhile since I worked out).
Tuesday was too many cocktails, Sunday hitting hard, and starting to feel ill.
Wednesday was a whole lot of ill, but pushing through it with work and denial.
Thursday has been too ill to go to work, difficulty eating, fever and chills, exhaustion, and pain breathing.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to work, then leave afterward to spend the weekend with my folks. None of which is going to happen if I wake up feeling like hell again. Instead, I'll be taking a second sick day and spending my 'fun weekend' in doldrums. 
On the plus side, I may be able to reschedule my weekend to St Patty's Day weekend, and hope that the groceries I bought for my folks don't go bad by then. 

But the combo of being continually head-down busy at work, being on a roller coaster of emotions where Viking is concerned (including the realization that something is fundamentally wrong with that and it isn't all my fault), and some sneaky bug with my name on it is wearing on me, physically and psychologically. If I were well, I would go on some long walks, get my heart rate up, make myself happy that way. And then maybe make some curry as comfort food. But being sick and unable to eat anything without pain means I just sit around, watching TV and reading books and feeling like a lump.
Blargh.

So...
We get together during the week to have dinner and sex, sometimes.
Neither one of us is having sex with or going on dates with anyone else.
We text random stupid things to each other all day long.

But we're not going steady. He's not wooing me (or at least there's no romance that *I* can see). And he doesn't like it when I make future plans involving him.

Are we....friends with benefits, maybe?
Or is this a normal stage of dating that I'm just clueless about?

Blame Lindz. :)

SIX NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Beth
2. Bethy
3. Lizzy
4. Boo Cat
5. Izzy Beth
6. Bear

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Blue thermal top
2. Fuzzy pajama pants
4. Fuzzy socks

THREE THINGS YOU WANT VERY BADLY AT THE MOMENT
1. For men that I like to stop fucking around with my emotions and start figuring out what they want BEFORE we have sex.
2. To have increased daily motivation to work out.
3. To have my money back from Scotsman so I don't have to take him to court AGAIN.

THREE PEOPLE WHOM YOU HOPE WILL DO THE MEME
1. Anyone
2. who
3. wants to :)

THREE THINGS YOU DID LAST NIGHT
1. Read
2. Stressed out about Viking
3. Slept, eventually

THREE PEOPLE YOU LAST TALKED TO ON THE PHONE:
1. Mom
2. Mom
3. Mom

THREE THINGS YOU ARE GOING TO DO TOMORROW:
1. Work
2. Volunteer at MEOW
3. Have dinner with Ev and J

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINKS:
1. Cocoa
2. Water
3. Chai
4. Coffee

THREE THINGS THAT MADE YOU SMILE TODAY:
1. Jen
2. Drea
3. Mark

See my post from November 9th?
Patterns.
Viking is not as good a kisser as Blue, but in EVERY OTHER ASPECT he is much better. And I'm happy with that.

Except when I get all panic rabbit needy about his desire for me (and not physical desire, which is easy to gauge, but that elusive 'want to spend time with me outside of my girlbits but as more than just friends' desire). This time it was after 2 weeks. Two effing weeks. I think I'm getting worse. I think maybe I need a shrink- this is such a nonproblem in the grand scheme of the world, but it's a sabotaging of my own happiness and it needs to stop. 

For his part, Viking is doing the intelligent thing and ignoring my spazz-out. He's also stopped bringing up his ex and how she still has some sort of sway over him (which is driving me to distraction...honestly, how can such a raging bitch who hurt him so deeply still have sway over him, when a nice biddable woman like myself has no affect? What the hell kind of world do we live in, anyway?).

And my low self-esteem freakout has (mostly) passed. Probably I can get away with blaming it on hormones. And scars from ex-lovers. My plan for now is to reduce the amount of time that I spend with him. Do I want to? No. But having more makes me want more (who was it that said love is a drug?) and I can't afford to want him more than he wants me. So Plan A is to throw myself into creative projects (possibly at the expense of my shaky-ground social life, because I am not a superhero yet) instead of into hope for a future that includes more time with Viking. And see how he responds. 

Wish me luck. And patience.

I crossed a line tonight. I went blonde. It was that territory that I swore I'd never do, after a childhood of being 'too dark'.
But you know what? For as awkwardly streaky as it is right now...it looks good on me! I'm going to rock the River Song look, and already it makes my eyes stand out more. 

In other news, I'm getting better at sticking to my guns when weighing intelligence vs desire.

Viking and I agreed not to jump in, to see how things go and just enjoy getting to know each other, and I surprised myself this evening by putting the brakes on in honor of that resolution. I'm quite proud of myself, as saying no to temptation has not been a strong suit of mine in the past. And also a little amazed- it's further proof that Viking truly means something to me.

I've given up my BWB situation with Pat, and dating other men (I have no interest in anyone but him), and am holding strong to agreements and being more self-aware, and even remembering the kind of minutia that normally slips my mind when it comes to SO's. Even more than that, I'm inspired by him to be a more honest and healthy and intuitive person. 

As amusing as it is to others that I have been rejected by romantic partners SO OFTEN in my life, it's frightening in retrospect. Not because it means I'm not amazing- because I *am* a great person, in many ways- but because being The Girl Who Is Rejected has become part of my self-identity. Which means that when I find a good thing, I am automatically either mentally preparing myself to be left, or vulnerable in frightening ways because I am certain that I will be rejected and that there is nothing I can do about it. 

Right now, it's the latter. I am dating an amazing man, who inspires me to be a better person, with whom I have this frighteningly deep chemistry and comfort with, and am incredibly attracted to on a variety of levels. I have kept a tight rein on my hope, on my romantic nature, and on my desire to plan for a future that includes him. It's a daily struggle to not give in to my Disney princess side, but I'm doing it.
However, I am absolutely certain that regardless of how he feels for me, he's going to reject me, leave me, find a better mate and match and go with her. He has done nothing to warrant my assumption of this- it stems purely from my past, and this identity issue. And now I am desperate to get over this assumption and shake it off permanently, because what if I am creating a self-fulfilling prophecy? But how does one reject part of their identity, a part which has been thrust on them repeatedly (as opposed to a part they have chosen to have)? 

In reflecting on past romances and where they've gone bad (recently), I have come to the conclusion that I really must stop making baked goods to impress men that I like, and being so good at sex.

Clearly, the baked goods thing is somehow backfiring, as I keep getting rejected within a week of baking something delicious and tailor-made to the man's tastes. This is illogical, but there it is.

And the sex becomes a smokescreen wherein they are too hooked on the orgasms to properly evaluate their feelings for me, and thus require adequate time NOT having their mind blown in order to realize they don't actually like me.

This is, of course, ironic given that I have honed my bedroom skills continually in an effort to bring greater enjoyment to the men that I like enough to let into my boudoir. And the baking thing, well, everyone says the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Or his penis.
In my case, neither.

It is now a case of 'you must earn the right to let me rock your world by committing to a loving and trusting relationship with me before we ever have sex or I feed you'. Instead of using my skills for seduction, and ultimately failure, I will try withholding them and granting only as a reward for sticking around past 5 dates. I'm sorry to fall into this 'conditioning men as if they're dogs' BS that I hate so much, but really, guys, you have driven me to this. You have no one but Jared, Charlie, Pete, Charlie, Jay, Steve, Jeff, Ben, Rob, Alex, Shane, etc to blame.

Especially for continuing to love, trust, and date. Sooner or later, I'll wake up and realize that the Disney dream isn't going to happen for me- not because I'm a bad person or don't deserve it, but because the universe is random and chaotic and that's just the way it is. But since I can't seem to stop trying and hoping and wishing, I'll just acknowledge the fact that I'm going to be hurt, a lot, continually. When I do lose faith in finding true love for myself, I want you to know that I don't begrudge the love and happiness that you guys have found. It's inspiring to see people fall in love, get married, have kids, and be happy together. I'm glad that's in the world, and that people I love are experiencing it. 

Things are going well! I survived Christmas, possibly even without getting the illness everyone else is sharing (fingers crossed!).
I learned how to knit, so there's another obsession making me happy.
Speaking of happy, I'm dating casually....and one pony is leading the pack, as it were. Is that insulting? Ok, not a pony. Boysenberry is made of win, though- finally, a gentleman! I hope I don't fuck it up. We'll see.
Got a court settlement for the Scotsman issue, which will hopefully cease to be an issue. I will know in 2 weeks.
I'm starting a new fitness and nutrition program, with Zao- having total control over my living situation now makes this feasible, at last!
I'm jumping back into swing, Tuesdays, and learning salsa, Fridays. Some Fridays, anyway, because I still volunteer at the cat shelter Fridays after work.
Somewhere in there I aim to write. And write and write and write.
And costume. And sew normal clothes. And baby clothes (muahahaha). 
So....2012 is going to be a busy and creative year.